


a lot, a lot

by Tobiko



Series: Welters 2018 [5]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Depression, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 18:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15055325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tobiko/pseuds/Tobiko
Summary: Goddessed-Up Julia Wicker is just trying to fix everything and everyone she can. Why hasn't her oldest friend asked her for help?





	a lot, a lot

Julia had spent most of the day meditating in Quentin’s old cottage room and answering prayers around the world, so when Quentin poked his head around the doorframe she was ready for a break. He tried to duck out of sight before she saw him but she was pretty aware of things these days and she hopped up from the bed and followed him before he could get far. “Q! Hey, did you want to talk to me?”

“Yeah, ah, but I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“It’s cool. Just finished helping a single mother get rid of her migrane right before a job interview.”

“That’s, wow, that’s really amazing Jules. You can do so many things now.”

Julia shrugged, trying not to take too much credit. “I just want to help.”

Quentin nodded. “So, Margo just won the Fillory election.”

“Margo?” Julia asked in shock. “She wasn’t running.”

“Yeah apparently most of the talking animals wrote her in on the ballots. She’s High King now.”

“Wow… that’s wild. Are you going to her crowning?”

“Ah…” Quentin ran a hand through his hair, smile fading. “Fillory’s time wonkiness screwed us over again. We missed the coronation by about three hours.”

“Oh, Q,” Julia said, instinctively reaching out for her crestfallen friend. “I’m so sorry.” She put a hand on his shoulder.

Quentin started to nod, then a curious expression fell over his face and he flinched away from her. “What- what was that?”

“What?” Julia looked at Q, where he’d placed a hand on his shoulder, and then looked at her own hand. She closed her eyes, trying to figure out if she’d done something. “Oh. Oh shit, I’m sorry, let me…”

Quentin eyed her warily but let her touch him again.

“You… took my sadness?”

“Yeah, shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just wanted you to feel better, and sometimes my power has a mind of its own. Wants to fix before I can give it some guidance. It’s all back where it was, promise.” Julia gave him a sheepish smile before smoothing a lock of his hair out of his face. “I don’t like seeing you sad.”

“It’s okay, next time though just ask.”

Julia nodded. She started to fiddle with her fingers. “Hey… um… Q?”

“Yeah?”

“… why haven’t you asked me to take it away?”

“Take… what away?”

“Your… you know, your depression.”

Quentin cleared his throat awkwardly, then forced a smile, “Are you asking me why I haven’t prayed to you yet?”

Julia chuckled and shoved him playfully. “No, don’t be a _doofus_.”

“Cuz that’s kind of weird.”

“Q!”

They laughed for a few seconds, then the laughter faded until an uneasy silence fell between them, Julia’s question still hanging in the air.

“It’s… not like I don’t want my depression gone,” Quentin finally said. “I’m not a fan of the fact that my brain breaks sometimes, even now that I’m here and magic is real and all of the things I’ve wanted-” Quentin trailed off, clearly heading off a stream of thought that had plagued him before. Julia waited.

“There’s a lot that’s hard to explain,” Quentin stammered.

“I think I’m in a bit of a better place to understand now,” Julia said with a shrug. “When we were younger it was harder for me, and I’m not saying it’s the same, but-”

“No, I get it,” Quentin said, the tightness in his shoulders easing up. “It’s a lot of layers. Who am I if I’m not broken-brain Quentin, would I even recognize myself, would my friends recognize me, would they like me more and how would that make me feel? And now, too, there’s this…” Quentin’s hands fluttered in front of him, grasping at an idea. “This thing. I… _like_ myself, Julia.”

Julia’s eyes started to glisten and she beamed at Q. “Yeah?”

“Yeah… and it’s kind of cool. Like, this quest, this life, all the things I’ve done, and who I’ve become? I like him. I like me. And that’s… _a lot_.” 

“A lot, a lot,” Julia said, practically glowing with happiness.

Quentin grinned at her almost shyly. “And I’m not saying I don’t think I’d ever take you up on that offer, because I think I’d like to one day, but also liking myself when I’m…” he gestured to himself and Julia laughed, and so did he, “you know, the messed up version of me, I think there’s value in that. And I’ve never felt it before, and I kind of want to keep feeling it the way it is.”

Julia nodded. Their sadness and trauma, it was different, and she couldn’t say she understood completely. But Quentin _liked_ himself. That was beautiful to Julia, more beautiful than seeing Whitespire in Fillory for the first time.

“The offer stands.”

“Thank you, Jules.”

“I love you, Q.”

“Love you too.” 

He leaned over and kissed her forehead and she wrapped him up in a quick hug.

“I’m _so_ proud of you,” Julia murmured hoarsely into his chest.

“How do you think _I_ feel, practically-a-goddess-Julia-Wicker?”

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah I know this is kind of weird and maybe Q's confusion re: his identity and what he'd be like without depression and learning to love himself even with depression is hard to get, but I've suffered from clinical depression since I was 14 and if someone offered to take it away I'd be terrified. I'd DO it, eventually, after some stressing and freaking out, because people don't WANT depression, but I was diagnosed almost half my lifetime ago. The foundations of who I am as a person are built around this plaster white pillar of Depression. I've got tons of other pillars, but you take away one and... what happens? Who am I?
> 
> .......sorry that was a ramble.


End file.
